Part 1: Was my husband gay? (with Aleenah)

This episode is the first of two episodes that explores an asexual marriage. We hear sister Aleenah’s story, who recently got divorced as her husband refused to sleep with her. It led her to believe he was, in fact, gay. Aleenah’s story highlights the importance of how far we should actually compromise when we’re under pressure to marry.

 

WARNING: this is an explicit episode with adult themes and language. Please put your earphones on and listen to this in private.

 

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed on these podcasts are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Not Another Mum Pod’s management or of any sponsors. Any content provided by our contributors are of their opinion and are not intended to malign any religion, ethnic group, identity (gender or sexual) club, organization, company, individual or anyone or anything.

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The intention behind this candid conversation is to bring to light the serious issues that can happen in a marriage, that nobody openly talks about. The question to ask ourselves is, to what degree should our sisters compromise when getting married as well as during the marriage, and when do warning signs become too serious to ignore?

This episode is the first of two episodes that explores an asexual marriage.

WARNING: this is an explicit episode with adult themes and language. Please put your earphones on and listen to this in private.

Tasneem:

For the sake of anonymity and to avoid unintended slander, no real names or locations have been mentioned. Our guest Aleenah’s name is also an alias. Please note, we’ve kept this conversation as authentic as possible.

Aleena shares her heart-breaking story of how she got married in good faith only to be let down by her ex-husband, sexually and otherwise.

Nafisa:

It just goes to show, we really should do our due diligence as far as we can.

 

I know it’s not always possible, but at the very least, try not to ignore any signs that may be worrying. When you’re looking for a spouse, speak to your family, speak to your friends, get perspective. More than anything though, we should all try to follow what Islam says in terms of the qualities we should look for in a spouse.

 

I’m not saying religious people are not gay or they’re not deviating, but the chances are lower in some respects.

 

I know it’s a tough call and bottom line is you don’t really know anybody unless you live with them. The best thing you can do is do is the Istikhara prayer for guidance, in any case.

Tasneem:

Aleena’s story highlights the importance of how far we should actually compromise when we’re under pressure to marry. How much do you compromise and what elements are you willing to take a punt on?

 

If you’ve got children around you, this might be the time to put your earphones on.

 

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed on these podcasts are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Not Another Mum Pod’s management or of any sponsors. Any content provided by our contributors are of their opinion and are not intended to malign any religion, ethnic group, identity (gender or sexual) club, organization, company, individual or anyone or anything.

This Post Has 8 Comments

  1. Husnayara Kamali

    Oh wow… I’ve been looking forward to listening to this. Goodness me. Like you said Nafisa Rahimi… Aleena is incredibly strong ما شاء الله and I’m sure she knows this already but SHE DID NOTHING WRONG!! So much compassion for her parents, his parents… even him!! I’m not sure i could be so selfless.

    When she said “his mask dropped”… or something like that… it gave me goose bumps 😨… it really is frightening to think what people are capable of concealing!!

    I wonder if his depression/anxiety is centred around the fact that he may in fact be gay and having to deal with that inner turmoil …

    I loved listening to sis Aleena speak her truth… ما شاء الله so good to hear she is able to laugh about it now and I pray she has moved on and found someone that is deserving of her!! 🤲🏽💗

    Very much looking forward to part two.

    Another brilliant podcast ladies ما شاء الله very well done! 💓… Especially around the very much taboo yet sensitive subject of intimacy in marriage… this goes to show just how important it is for BOTH parties…not just the men!!!

    جزاك اللهُ خيرًا
    To you all Especially sister Aleena ❤

    1. notanothermumpod

      Salaams Husnayara, thank you so much for your feedback!

      Loved reading your feedback! We thought the same, that he is depressed due to his sexual identity.
      She is amazing and Alhamdulillah, we managed to stay true to our USP – hard topics in an easy-going manner. She made it easy. Sorry that I lost control at one point! 🙈🙈🙈

      Looking forward to your feedback in part 2! <3
      Love,
      Nafisa & Tasneem, xx

  2. Zakia Mahmud

    Oh Gosh! I dont know what to say….Aleenah’s story has so many similarities to a close cousin sister’s marriage who recently left her husband because we realised he is gay.
    Aleenah , do not feel guilty sis, he definitely was gay! So you are not to blame!
    This cousin sister went through the same issues; he refused to have sex with her, always made excuses that he was tired, or while she was in the bathroom, would quickly pretend to go to sleep. He always worked night shifts, just to avoid her.
    She was exactly like Aleenah, thinking if he at least had sex with her then she could make the marriage work. But we knew that it wouldn’t. He had mental health issues too. He admitted to my husband that he suffered from depression. Thank Allah we managed to convince her to leave him. The worst thing about her marriage is that he went to Bangladesh to marry her, brought this girl to London and then she discovers all this. She was completely lost. She was continuously worrying about the stigma of having to go back to Bangladesh as a divorcee, where our community there would never accept it.
    This guy was not practising, like Aleenah’s ex, he would eat haram food, didn’t believe in Allah, didn’t want to fast or even knew how to pray!
    The way Aleenah said ‘he planned it all…’ Thats how my husband and I felt that this guy planned it all. Because within a couple of weeks of bringing her to London, he was arguing with her, physically and mentally abusing her, and threatening to cancel her visa and kept on telling her to leave. We feel he planned all this, to show society that he was ‘normal’ and then if he couldn’t make it work he would divorce her. Not caring that he was ruining someone’s life in the process!!
    Our cousin sister has Alhumdulillah realised now that leaving him was the best decision, although she has the odd guilty times of thinking whether she should have stayed?! Alhumdulillah, she has now got her indefinite leave to remain, as it was a case of domestic violence, and we managed to get a non-molestation order against her husband.
    I always tell her, and will say same to you, Aleenah, that do not think of this as the worst moment in your life, rather think of it as a great life lesson. And if you have managed to escape this marriage, then Masha Allah, you have survived.
    I would suggest that you point out to his family and him, that if they/he knew he was gay, then they should never have gotten him married. Why are you thinking about protecting his honour? He didn’t think twice before deciding to ruin your life. The dreams and aspirations that a girl has when she gets married, he shattered all of that! Do not let him get away with it!
    Wishing you all the best!

    1. notanothermumpod

      Salaams Zakia, thank you for your great feedback! Truly appreciate it.

      We have shared your comment with Aleena and she may respond here to your message to her.

      You are spot on that this was ‘life’s great lesson’, Aleena went through it and came out of the other side. Since releasing these episodes, we have had quite a few sisters come out with very similar stories. Some sisters have realised that they were not alone, that they were not to blame and more importantly found it healing, that they got some closure. Do share with your cousin so she can get the same. We pray and make dua for her, that she recovers from her horrific ordeal and can move on in peace, ameen. Thanks again for your support. Do share with friends and family and join our fb group for our podcast discussions. http://www.smart.bio/notanothermumpod/

      All our love and duas,
      Nafisa & Tasneem, xx

  3. Tamima

    I just find this whole story so sad. Firstly I feel annoyed at him for being shady and putting her through this. But more so it highlights the lack of understanding in our community. Clearly he ddnt have the relationship with his family to be able to discuss his sexuality before marriage. And so the car crash of events took place until it took the victim (Aleena) to say enough is enough. She could have let it get worse, and lived with this horrible excuse of a marriage bcs of what the community would say. But the bravery in her is commendable. It just goes to show we need to have these conversations about ‘taboo’ subjects in the right context and address these issues. Otherwise our children will be just as clueless.

    1. notanothermumpod

      Salaams Tamima, thank you so much for your feedback!

      You are so right when you say he didn’t have the relationship with his family to be open about his sexuality – it makes me think about how we should be with our own, and what lessons can we learn from this? Would we be strong enough to face our prejudices and face them head on if we believe our children are of a certain sexual orientation?

      Absolutely agree with you about Aleena’s strength. If she didn’t have the courage, who knows how long this charade would have continued, not to mention the state of her mental health.

      We do need to have these conversations. The number of people we know who cringe when they see the episode titles and think it is a step too far for them. What I find shocking is how, in this day and age, we can continue to find these topics shocking, and how much longer do we plan to bury our heads in the sand? Stay tuned, we have whopper episodes planned for the end of January iA. Thank you for your lovely feedback and your support. Do share with friends and family and join our fb group for our podcast discussions. http://www.smart.bio/notanothermumpod/

      Thanks again,
      Nafisa & Tasneem,xx

      Thank you! 🙂

  4. M zaman

    Looking forward to listening to part 2.

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